Temptations
I am often terribly beset with temptations to sin with
a high hand; and O the unceasing conflicts I have to endure in fighting
against it. I have shuddered at the appearance of the evil I have been tempted
to commit, till I have actually quaked with fear, so that all my limbs have
been in motion; yet a part in me loved the evil, and desired to commit it;
and at the same time I have felt a most cutting conviction that I might
by so doing put Christ to an open shame, and be given up to a reprobate
mind, to commit all uncleanness with greediness; likewise a horrible, piercing,
distracting thought that I should ruin my character, lose my senses, act
the part of Judas, and commit suicide. I have heard some say it is easier
to keep down the enemy than conquer him when risen; but for my part, I solemnly
declare that I have no more might against the great army of internal corruption
that rises up against me, than I have power to create a world; and sure
I am there is not one in a hundred of professors that knows the plague of
the heart, nor the exceeding sinfulness of sin. I have experienced seasons
when I have hated sin more than I have dreaded punishment; for it brings
darkness into the mind, freeh guilt is felt, and I have been so exceedingly
cast down through the commission of sin, not openly, but privately, that
I durst not read certain parts of the Bible for fear I should run wild.
I have tried to stifle conscience, yet could not; and while in this wretched
state, I have been compelled to read that which appeared to condemn me eternally,
and as I have been reading I
have felt the agony of despair so acute,
that I have cried out, "I must be damned; I am lost for ever."
Then just as I have been tempted to throw the Bible in the fire, some such
words as these have come to give me hope; " The blood of Christ cleanses
from all sin." Then I have, loved the Bible, and hated myself; justified
the Lord, and condemned myself; then how warm has the prayer of Jabez been
in my heart; "Keep me from evil that it may not grieve me." Yes,
and I have been pained at the appearance of evil. Yet, soon after,. the
old serpent within has lifted up his head for another unclean morsel; for
he hates holiness, and is at enmity with God, the fountain of holiness,
and would plunge into all manner of filthiness, so that I experience that "
the flesh lusteth against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh;
and these are contrary the one to the other; so that the old man cannot
do the evil he would, nor the new man the good he would. I am like the city
of the Ephesians, all in an uproar; for I find there are two contrary cries,
and two cannot walk together except they be agreed. The old man and the
new cannot agree together, neither can a child of God and a child of the
devil agree long together. Empty, puffed-up, prating Calvinists are worse
to me than all professors beside. They -travel in an even path; they do
not mount up, as do the heaven-taught, nor yet descend into the depths.
Their religion consists of talk, form, and outside show; zeal for God, but
not according to knowledge. They appear to me like a stuffed peacock, beautiful
to the eyes of the beholder, but without life. They are always in one posture,
and have no changes. They neither hunger nor thirst spiritually. They have
eyes, but they see not the awful nature of sin, not yet the preciousness
of Christ; feet, but they walk not in the paths of righteousness; ears,
but they hear not the awful sound of the law, nor yet the joyful sound of
the gospel; and these cased birds without life, if I may so speak, know
nothing about the winds of temptation, nor the cheering warmth of the Sun
of Righteousness; and though I am often sorely tried, and ready to give
up all, I never envy them their empty notions. I often think I am the strangest
being living, for I am mostly dissatisfied with myself, yet I would not,
were it possible, change places with any one. I know what it is to be very
unhappy, and very blessedly happy through the sacred anointing of the Holy
Ghost;. very much cast down, and very much lifted up; very full of confusion,
and very full of peace; very far from heaven, yet to enjoy heaven within;
very full of unbelief, yet at times not troubled with a doubt; very weak,
Yet as strong as a giant; often mourning, yet sweetly singing; and as a
preacher, a very great fool, yet wiser than all the academy-made parsons
and mongrel Calvinist preachers in the world; very slow of speech, straitened,
and perplexed, yet my tongue, like the pen of a ready writer, full of liberty
to proclaim the best of news; very much hated by numbers, yet loved by a
few; for I love to nurse the sheep, and expose the goats; to build up the
godly, and pull down the ungodly; and to plague the Arminians, Unitarians,
and dead Calvinists.
I perceive, friends Editors, that there is a cry out about
the writing of your correspondent I. K., with charges that he is too harsh.
Permit me to say, that where others condemn him I commend him; for I am
quite sick of those publications and preachers that blow neither hot nor
cold. In this day of empty profession, it is quite needful to use great
plainness of speech; and those preachers and write that take the part of
Jeremiah, Paul, Peter, and Jude, must expect to make a stir, and not only
a stir, but they must root up, and pall gown, and lay open deceit; and as
enemies of vital, godliness increase, I hope the Lord may raise up such
men to contend earnestly for the faith, and rebuke sharply these evil beasts.
For my part, I love honesty, and all that do not, if gracious persons are
but babes, and cannot endure strong meat. The sword of the Spirit is not
used by many, and the church as well as worldly professors, often nurse
up hypocrites. The wolf and the lamb?down together, and numbers creep into
a gospel church unawares that are ordained to condemnation. I am quite weary
of men called gospel preachers, who will tell us about the security of the
church, and preach the doctrines of grace, when at the same time they never
show who are the true circumcision and who are hypocrites; and if they attempt
to speak about experience, they are very fools, and know not the way to
the city.
A TRAVELLER
Woodhurst, Huntingdonshire. .
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